We started off this month's issue with a big long rant and the FIS/Olympic fiasco. But it was so long that we put it where it belonged. In our all-new rant fest section. Now, before we get started with other coverage we just had two definitions to share with the publishers and advertising sales people of Snowboarder, Snowboarding, andSnoBoard, magazines:

ethics n. 1. a system of moral principles. 2. the rules of conduct recognized in respect to a particular class of human actions or a particular group, culture, et. 3. moral principles, as of an individual. 4. the branch of philosophy dealing with values relating to human conduct, with respect to the rightness and wrongness of certain actions and to the goodness and badness of the motives and ends of such actions.

conflict of interest, 1. the situation of a person whose private financial interests might benefit from his official actions or influences.

Some of them seem to have forgotten and we just wanted to remind them. That's all for the magazines. Have a nice day.

They Said What?

"Being anonymous means one of two things: either you're a chickenshit, or you're not for real." Ray Bones, Get Shortie.

". . . anonymity plays an important role on the Net." Nicholas Negroponte founder of The Media Lab, Wired magazine 3.11

"What the net is, more than anything else at this point . . . is a level playing field where people can do anything they want." Marc Andreeson, creator of Netscape.

Random Media Hits

Anyone who was lucky enough to catch Wheel of Fortune the evening of November 15, 1995 got a big snowboard surprise from Gnu/Lib Tech. That's right. One of the prizes during their college week show from Seattle, Washington was a Gnu Acme and Jamie Lynn Pro Model board set. A prize valued at "$2068" dollars. Here's the audio (138k AIFF). from the show. Will the wonders from the Gnu laboratory never end? Probably not. Part owner Paul Ferrell (he bought half the company by giving Mike Olson a VW transmission) didn't even catch it on TV. His comment, "Oh, yeah. It aired last night didn't it?"

Tim "Home Boy" Pogue was featured in a Fortune magazine story about "new corporate uniforms." The magazine was nice enough to include a photo of Tim posing in his office duds. Now, Tim has worked extremely hard and done a great job positioning Ride in the snowboard market and on Wall Street. He's helped take Ride stock through the roof and made a lot of people rich. By appearing in Fortune he's done a great job for his shareholders. But having said all that, we still nearly wet ourselves every time we look at him with his thumb strung through his belt loop like a pubescent model from a Sears Catalog. Someone really should nominate Tim for Sassiest Company President in America.

The fashion freaks at Details magazine have done one of the best jobs we've seen when it comes to reducing snowboarding to a style. Kent Black, a contributing editor for Details whose been scamming cash off snowboarding for years without knowing what's going on, or caring enough to check it out, scores another one for the out-of-touch New York media morons. Yep, Shred Hot: Speed, bumps, or stunts? Finding the right snowboard to suit your style. It's hard to believe the editor responsible for this schlop story previously worked at Outside. We've let them know, you should to.

While we're on the fashion thing: did anyone notice Elle McPherson in a recent Victoria Secret catalog? If you missed it she was holding a 1990 Morrow snowboard behind her back while modeling some kind of sweater.

In other snowboard news, Scott the videographer was featured on the best of the Gordon Elliot show with a clip he shot of his friend snowboarding naked with his head and his board on fire. Mr. Elliot seemed overtly impressed with the footage. Scott was either a great dadaist, or just another run of the mill idiot. We choose to believe the former.

The Good, the Glad, and the Glossy

As we've already mentioned Gnu is the ruler of the advertising universe. And they got there by doing it all straight up. With this ad in Snowboarder they effectively flew the finger at plaintiff attorneys, defense lawyers, and anyone who ever said, "You really should be careful about what we say to the public." We've never laughed so hard at an ad before in our lives. "Your leg will break before these things do." What a refreshing, honest group of down home snowboarders. We hope they rule the world soon.

Generics logs in with high comedy points in the first issue of Snowboard Life. Under an epic powder carving shot are the words, "We make snowboards for everyone, including the affluent 25-35 year old target demographic of this magazine."

For the function-minded West Beach's pants ad with Rev the heavy-weight at Northshore Snowboard shop sums things up perfectly--the pants are strong, and the company has a sense of humor. What more could you ask for in a pair of trousers?

Which brings us to Cappel. We've been hard on Cappel lately. And to be honest, they've deserved it. The new ad featuring Joi, however, is another story entirely. This time they've created a beautiful picture of a lovely girl. It's warm, pretty, and . . . well, the chick's got class. End of story. Either Cappel is bringing up the level, or we're getting sucked in. Hopefully, it's the former not the later.

We haven't mentioned Ned Limbo have we? Well, their three ads in one idea is pretty cool. At first we didn't really understand what was going on, but now we're beginning to get it. And it's cool, well designed advertising.

Switch has done a complete turnaround since the first issue of TeaWorld. They've gone from horrible industrial to a super-smooth retro groove. The design also carries over to their Web Page.

The Glad (we're not stockholders) Ads

Below Zero runs a crotch-shot of a woman sitting on a bar-stool in Snowboard Life magazine. The type above the picture reads: "get down on it." What message are we, as consumers, supposed to get from this ad? That the girl is ready and waiting for oral sex? That we all should be getting down on bar-stools? That Below Zero sells skin-tight bell-bottom snowboard pants? Or is it as we suspect that Below Zero marketing people believe that men who associate sex with their brand name will be more likely to buy their product? Yep, snowboard guys are just following their dicks around. Just flash some sex and they'll come running.

Below Zero attempted an explanation for their ads. "Actually, the sex thing was not meant to be the focus of the photo in question," they explained. "We were connecting the "below" in our name with "get down on it", as in find out about it." Yeah and us grabbing our crotches and saying, "Lick it baby" refers to sticky sweet candy.

The best part of their reply was this: "Basically, we just could not bear to spend $5000 to fill a page with yet another blue sky, snowboarder in the air, ad- we don't find them terribly creative."

Apparently crotch shoots rank pretty darn high on Below Zero's scale of creativity. I guess that's why they named the company Below Zero, meaning less than nothing. Right on. Way to market.

Okemo Mountain Vermont comes in with a lovely example of "another ski resort missing the boat" ad that says, "Snowboard heaven" and features a blue sky picture of a snowboarder without a spec of snow in the picture. Come to think of it, that's perfect for Okemo. They rarely have any good snow anyway.

You know, the first thing we usually think of when we see a dog's erect penis shooting semen is snowboarding. Apparently we're right in line with Paroles target market. Their new ad features a guy vomiting. Damn, they're cool!

Next to vomiting, and erect dog penises the thing we like most is women getting sexy on each other just to sell a pair of sun glasses. Mmm, Cirque's marketing: throw two hot girls in a picture which suggests that they might be going down on each other in moments and guys will buy anything. Of course, we could be wrong: the ad could be aimed at the GirlJock magazine crowd.

Honest, we know what it sounds like, but this really isn't the all suck-up issue of flake. Really. We mean it.

Copy Cat Corner

Mondrian-o-mania: looks like everyone has to do a Mondrian ad at least once. It's like designers just can't get enough of colored squares. Here are works from Joyride in 1994, and SMP and Ton-A-Wawa from 1995. You tell us who's leading the pack?

The flakezine Essay Question:

In 1993 Burton Snowboards owned approximately 68 percent of the global snowboard market. Every year since then their market share has declined even though sales have increased. What will happen to a strong snowboard company like Burton when it's forced to compete against a diversified company like Ride, Inc. which owns two successful clothing lines and four snowboard lines? How will Morrow's US$40 million dollar influx affect there position relative to the big B?

Send answers to flakezine@aol.com with the subject line "Burton Who?"

Twist and shout

Lisa Hudson, sassy ex-Swag marketing guru, has left the company to work with that funky, down home San Francisco (by way of Boulder, Colorado) company Twist. We've poked some sharp sticks at Lisa in past issues, but the woman knows what's up when it comes to building an honest, core brand name in the snowboard world. Few do it better. We wish her the best of luck with Twist.

Following in her footsteps for the second time in his career is Kim Boyle. The man responsible for putting Vans in the snowboard market. He designed and sourced the boots and should be proud. Now he's moving on into the Swag/Prom offices to continue on where Ms. Hudson left off.

That's all we wrote.

Back to the flakezine homestead.

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