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(yes, a new issue. Sorry it took so long.)

Mama, We're All Critics Now

"The critic typically has little access to the media, and the personal consequences for the critic are sufficiently annoying to deter many from taking this course, particularly because some journals sink to the ultimate level of dishonesty and cowardice, regularly refusing to permit even the right of response to slanders they publish. Hence, the sacred right to lie is likely to be preserved without too serious a threat." Noam Chomsky, The Chomsky Reader.

That was written in 1964, well before we were born. Luckily, thanks to the World Wide Web, Dr. Chomsky was proven wrong by history. Because, we're global baby. We can throw it down to an audience of 30 million now. Thanks to the support of the people at Heckler Magazine.

Before we forget. flakezine got hits in the media thanks to the Snowpage (which we haven't been able to access) and Net Guide magazine. In describing the Snowpage Net Guide's editors said that it includes "cool zines like flakezine." Yeah, we rule. Big deal.

Meanwhile Back in the Magazines

We've been caught up in the hoopla for the past few months and haven't had time to kick down the information and for that we're sorry. Really. So, since we missed several issues of the magazine, here's the low-down, blow-down.

First off, we were thinking about another "there goes the neighborhood" piece but we think these ads in the May issue of TeaWorld pretty much say it all. Yes, it's a Pepsi Snowboards and Union Bay Clothing. Yuck.

Finally Coming Around

As far as advertising goes here it is. Sims has a winner in the February TeaWorld. Sure, it's a Mad Magazine Fold in that's been used by many including Blockhead and Santa Cruz Skateboards, but this time Sims has done it up right. It's an ad for Tina Basich's signature model and the type reads, "Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee." Tina did the artwork, and the design on the board. Maybe Tina is what Sims has needed all along. If you fold the ad in it's a butterfly, just like her graphic.

The biggest news since we last talked: Palmer Palmer. Blowing into the March TeaWorld with a whooping 6-page fold out ad, Palmer Snowboards is all Palmer. Black, red, and purple velvet with a gold logo. Yeah, well it's not exactly what we'd do, but hey it fits the Palm's groove exactly. Viva Las Vegas. Anyone at the SIA show should stop by and check out the Palmer scene. His boards are actually good, and the channel down the board allows the feel of a baseless binding with the adjustability of a 4x4. And to think that Shaun thought of it himself.

Original Sin got on the program. They should be noticing an increase in their sales shortly. Geez, how can people be so screwed up when they're starting out. We don't know how they do it, they just do.

What are the guys at Wave Rave thinking. After everyone else in the industry has done a comic ad (see flakezine 1.1) they do their own in Blunt. Why? Isn't the comic thing a little played? Jeff Ingram really should know better.

After taking a beating in every issue of flakezine Rossignol has finally gotten on track. Apparently, they dug into the Rossi archives and ended up with their best ads yet. That's right, they're running old Rossi ski ads from the late 60s. We're not just saying this because they included a little tag line on the bottom of their ad that reads, "The Industry Reads Flakezine." We really like these. Even though it isn't saying much, these ads are way better than anything they've done in the past.

Warning To All Bungie Jumpers

"Some jumpers may permanently lose the central vision in one or both eyes. Reason: During a jump, blood pressure in the eyes rises rapidly and can burst small blood vessels. The intense emotional charge reported by jumpers may mask vision problems for some time after the jump." Research at the Wolverhampton and Midland Countries Eye Infirmary Wolverhampton, England, cited in The Lancet, 42 Bedford Sq., London WC1b 3SL, England.

This may explain Mike Stine's (Vertigo Bungie owner) super thick glasses. Then again, their may be some other explanation. Does he have hairy palms?

Free Samples, Scams, and Random Stuff

One Snowboards (with the help of Big Brother Magazine's Jeff Tremaine) comes up with pretty kickin' ad in the February issue of TeaWorld. It's a spread of a jam sandwich on a white background. Pretty cool. So when we saw the ad from those trend-setters at Arnet Sunglasses in the May issue we were shocked. Yep, you guessed it, food on a white background. Only this time it's pancakes. It almost makes us wonder if the rumors at Oakley are true concerning the real source of the Raven sunglass designs.

But then look who One Snowboards samples. Yep, the Calvin Klein One cologne bottle. And it looks good this way.

Aurora, the company that dropped in and blasted who knows how many full-spread ads in TeaWorld (3 to be exact) never made boards or anything else remotely resembling snowboards. Apparently, the only thing they were good at is running up bills. Randy Schaffner (owner of 916 and ex-main marketing man at Aurora) didn't even check to see if the name "Aurora" was usable in the US. It wasn't. Now everyone (Schaffner, magazines, and designers) wants their money back from the people who funded Aurora in the first place.

+Two Snowboards get's big points for the most clever usage of seven used condoms. Sounds like they were hanging out at the water-treatment plant, saw all those condoms floating to the surface, and said, "Hey, we can use those for our ad." From there the headline was rather elementary "Coming in `95."

What are Mark Hibdon, Brad Gross, and Brian Thien doing in suits? Their hand-tinted ad in Tea-World Feb. said nothing on the surface. But we'll be happy to break down the more obvious semiotic flags. Downtown street=snowboarding has reached the mainstream. Business suits: if everyone else is going to cash in why shouldn't we? Hand-tinted black and white photo: We're artists posing as businessmen, i.e. you can trust us. Then in March they follow up with a picture of the three of them walking down a tree shaded path. Oh, the joys of being an artist. By the way, they waited until the May issue to tell us the name of their company. It's called Subtle, get it? Oh, those wacky creatives.

Cappel continues on their teens with tits ad campaign with more Jon Foster photos of barely clothed girls. Cappel recently put out a 1995 calendar made up of all the Jon Foster photos from the ads. It is sweet. Get one today. If Cappel continues on this groove we may see them showing up in the fashion mags.

The new owners at Kemper really reached in the Feb. issue with their Scratch n' sniff ad. If anyone wonders, it smells like all scratch and sniffs: kind of like a pine-tar glue factory, which may be what it really smells like at the factory.

Mandatory HST Quote

"We live in cheap and twisted times. Our leaders are low-rent fascists and our laws are a tangle of mockeries. Recent polls indicate that the only people who are optimistic about the future are first year law students who expect to get rich haggling over the ruins. Hunter S. Thompson, Songs Of The Doomed.

Ever wonder what happened to rich guy, Harley rider, playboy Brad Dorfman, owner of Vision Street Wear in the 80's? Well wonder no more. He's resurfaced as Select Distribution and boy does he have a shit-load of snowboard companies to unload on you, Vision, Shuvit, Natural, and others. Let's see how long it takes him to go up in flames this time around.

Kuu Sports gets hardcore with the shit word. "You'll love our shit," the ad says. We doubt it. We think it will be runny and stinky with little chunks of corn in it, but that's just us.

Charles Arnell, man out town. Now he's got not one, not two, but three snowboard companies. Yep, that's right. System, Body Glove, and Arnell Snowboards. He was probably feeling left out of the Burton, Sims, Barfoot, Morrow, Palmer thing and just decided he'd dive right in. Our big questions is who buys Charlie's boards?

Smelly Tuna has launched a new company called ignition snowboards. They said they just weren't being taken seriously with the Smelly Tuna brand name. Does the word duh? mean anything to you. But, the launch of the new company is kickin' playing into the retro ski grove with a 70's freestyler in their ad, just like Rossignol.

Want to see a dumb ad? Here you go: It's Oxbow's unknown Euro again:Oxbow Ad

Shorty's begins their invasion with Shorty's Snowboards, and they replace Rosa with Devun Walsh. What kind of a deal is that. Those who don't know who Rosa is should check any recent issue of Big Brother. Yeah, it's a sexist thing, but Rosa rocks.

Suncloud comes in with what may knock Alpina Goggles out of the "Worst Ad Of All Time" competition. It features Brian Delaney "Champion Snowboarder" reaching for some flippy trick. It's bad, bad, bad, Daddy. You'd think the Delaneys would have a little shame. No, on second thought, you wouldn't.

Big points to Killer Loop for running a straight up product ad. Let the product speak for itself. Unfortunately, in this case we may need to wait awhile to see what language the product is speaking. It may be speaking pile-o-shitese.

A couple words for the FreshJive crew. Stick to what you know: flashing lights, a 170 b.p.m. beats, and fashion dudes. Snowboarding doesn't need you and your scene is dying faster than watercress in the Sahara.

Liquid Snowboards comes up with their best ad yet. A person urinating. And from the angle and distance of the spray we'd guess he has an erection and prostate cancer. But then we're not Urologists so what would we know.

Mixed Media

FM Wakeboards plays out an old O'Neill Clothing idea with a wakeboarder in a snow halfpipe. It reminds us of an ad that ran in Action Sports Retailer magazine that said, "Where the markets meet." Which had a snowboarder standing on a snowy hill with a big old Cloudbreak barrel rolling through. The joys of Photoshop.

Enough for this time. More later. Bye bye.

Go to the next issue or back to the flakezine homestead.

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